Friday, October 12, 2012

Reflections and Sentiments

Been doing a lot of thinking and reflection these few days.  I attribute this to mid-life crisis, and the fact that I'm hitting a big milestone soon... Real soon.  Emotional.  What did I do?

First off, I choped off my hair, it was short to begin with (shoulder length), but I choped it even shorter, funky loop-sided hair cut, and coloured it RED!  It has been a long time since I last coloured my hair, probably 4 years back.  Suddenly I just had this great urge to do something, to change something.  Didn't like how I looked before, wanted to change, give myself a different style, like chopping off all the burdens and troubles, hopefully bring me a new light, a new luck!  Alot of people say when a woman cuts her hair, something has happened to make her decide on such a big change.  You go figure it out...
Then, I had the urge to pull out my history, my past, what made me who I am today, what was I 20 years ago.  I remembered I was this arty, creative person back when I was young, I remembered I kept an art book (ok, not a pro Art book, just a note book) where  started drawing cartoons and pictures based on samples.  I'm not really those who can just create a new drawing, but I can draw good if I have a sample to look at.  After much searching, pulling books out of my pile, I found it!!

Imagine my joy and the emotional feelings I felt, flipping through the pages, trying to relieve the past.  That was from 15 years ago, when I still kept sticker books.  Then I started thinking more.  I used to be good at Arts & crafts, I did origami!  Made thousands of stars and filled up bottles, giving to friends as gifts.  I made origami swans!  And other origamis.  I tied friendship bands, chinese knots, necklaces.  I did all those things when I was young.  I liked those things!  I even remember I was good at moulding clay figurines!  Now, I'm an auditor!  What a change!  But not a conventional auditor, as people have always commented. "You are the most unconventional auditor", "Your hairstyle is too havok", "You dress very unlike auditor".  Honey, think out of the box!  It's 2012, the world may be ending soon, why follow the bandwagon.
Sometimes I do regret not living my life earlier.  Exploring, being independent, travelling much younger.  These are some of the things, when you look back, you think "What If".
I dug out my old diaries and old letters and greeting cards.  Yes, I'm a hoarder!  But I keep valuable things, like these memories from the past!  I spent a few nights, laying on my bed, reading through my old entries, reading the letters from best friends from my past, greeting cards from friends.  Brought back a lot of old memories, good and sad.  Reading the letters, I realized how much I miss my old friends from different phases of my life.  And how life can just easily dissolve some old ties.  It is sad, but sometimes that is life. 
And my diaries, how I have changed in the past 10 years. I started keeping a diary since JC times, writing about things, my feelings, relationships and stuff.  Reading them, I realized I had a lot of anger pent up, only let out through writing in my diary.  Being a teenager, of course the thinking was rather immature.  It was a really interesting read, reading how teenager I was, thinking about small insignificant matters.  A snippet - I used to think about getting myself a boyfriend so much!  Haha, 10 years ago!  Oh man!  Also, entries about my feelings, my relationships or the lack thereoff etc.  The fun times, the happy times, and the sad events.  From then through now. 
It was really emotional for me, reading those events that happened.  I smiled, I laughed, I cried.  Yes, I cried.  Surprising isn't it.  Must be age.  Sorry but I am not able to reveal the contents of my diary, or what made me cry or smile.  You can deduce by yourself, make your own guess and keep it to yourself.  Although I did regret stopping my diary for a period of my life, where I didn't get to record down some happy events in my life during that point in life.  I really do regret it now.  And I think I lost some of my diary entries when I scribbled them on other notepads.  Very regretful, cos they are memories, be it good or sad ones.  I vow to keep my diary more up-to-date.  To write more about me, my feelings, what happened.  It is really a good read, 5-10 years down the road.
Writing this entry, feeling so tired.  Yes, spent last night reading my diary again.  Old memories made me sentimental and cried.  It is age, must be age that led to this reflection of life, thinking about my life.  But I guess, it is good to do this once in a while.  Makes you think about your entire existence in the world!
I started some Arts again, with paintings.  Ok not free style paintings but painting with some aid.  And I really enjoyed it.  I can get soo engrossed into it that I will keep on doing it till late hours.  It is hard work but I really like doing it.  I think I do have that artistic seed in me, but not enough creative power to nurture it.  Who knows!  If I had enough willpower, I may have become a famous artist now, or some creative person!  Maybe that's why I'm working in an advertising and marketing industry, although not as a creative.  Keep on dreaming....

No comments: